I have two artistic identities -- one, as Heidi Philipsen, actor and writer; the other, as Eli Meissner (short for Elizabeth), as director and producer.
Why? You ask.
Well, we all have two sides, the one in control who calls the shots and the vulnerable one who learns to take them and process them creatively.
This last year has taken me on a journey in film making that connects both of those personas and leads them down one road. Funny, my last film, A FORK IN THE ROAD, was about choices between two paths in life. This next one, HER TELLING HEART, is about reconciling those choices in one's heart.
But it's not easy reconciling a life's journey in one's heart, especially if that journey had traumatic moments which have never been let out to see the light of day... consciously, that is. And this film, a short, narrative adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Telltale Heart," has taken me into my own 'heart of darkness' parallel to the challenges one has in making a film.
When I was five, I was made to be a victim, over and over again. The trouble with being victimized when you are that young is that all it does is set you up for a life of victimization and abuse -- a finely lined walk between the roles of victim and abuser -- unless you get serious help.
I never told anyone about it and held it in for years -- held it in so tightly that my life depended on it. Faith, work, sports and understanding angels disguised as "mortal" friends made it all bearable. And yet, in retrospect, I would guess that many people close to me saw it, suspected it. Still, I was so sure I could fool everyone into thinking I was fine and my world was perfect.
Our society walks a fine line between dictating perfection and individualism any way. Always trying to be perfect and fit in perfectly... even when you don't want to and you shouldn't. Let's face it: perfection is an obsessive illusion.
And so, as it often goes with one's psyche, all of the hurt and pain and trauma had to be let out some way, some time; for me, that all came out in the creation of HER TELLING HEART. It's one thing if you just write a piece and be done with it. It's another, altogether, if you see it through from start to finish on screen.
More soon... see the next post coming soon...
